Happy New Year..

Promises are very heavy responsibilities..
Could be a hard burden as well..
Last year I promise myself to live a better life..
To fight for what I truly want..

Yet.. Tons of tons of problems keep getting in my way.. (Could be excuses)
And everytime I try to bounce back.. Must have some problem again..

Bla.. bla.. bla.. Bla.. bla.. bla..

I think I should forget about the past already..
Should do a better plan for my 2007..
Hhmmm...

Today roughly note down what i want for 2007..

1st
To get my beautiful mother retired,
and have her move down to JB with me.







2nd
Well.. To get my mother to JB,
Must have a house with space for her to do gardening.







3rd

To get the car that haunted my dreams for month..

Just roughly note these 3 items down.. Actually have tons on plans..
If free will share all la..
Busy now...

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYBODY!!

MAY YOUR 2007 IS ALWAYS
HEALTHY & HAPPY!!

Freaking Me..

Remember in end of 2005 I told a friend of mine that 2006 will be a important year for me..
Now.. 2007 is just few days away..
I've been thinking for the past few days..
What have I done for year 2006???
Nothing.. ..
What have I achieve in year 2006???
Nothing.. ..
In 2005.. I have plenty of plans for 2006..
I start 2006 with hope and energy..
But I don't know why..
I haven’t achieve what I aim..
Somehow.. Something must be wrong somewhere.. I screw up..
These few days.. Many things run in my mind..
I like what I’m doing now.. I have faith in what I’m doing now..
But.. It’s too slow for me..
If I start doing something else..
I have to start all over again..
Maybe it’s my attitude..
Maybe I should be more focus..
Maybe I have to be more hard working..
Maybe I have to be more selfish.. .. .. ..
I don’t know.. Just writing what’s in my mind now..
I JUST FEEL VERY FXXK UP AND SIEN….
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH ME??
WHAT DO I NEED TO BE BETTER??

I'm sorry Dear GOD..

This entry is to apologise for my last entry..
I am here to say sorry for letting you all see my weak side..
But i'm not going to hide that i have very weak side in me..
I'm sure we all will.. Because.. we are only human..
We have our limit..
To GOD,
Dear God.. Sorry to have dout in you..
I'm in a very un-stable emotion while i write that entry..
And sorry to have not enough faith in you.. Forgive me..

To Live A Life

Something happen lately, and it get me into thinking again..
It happened so fast anyway even I've been prepare for it long ago..

And this event truly disturb me.. emotionally..

A dear person close to me will have her heart valve transplant surgery in few hours time..
Her name is Tee May Lian, female, 23 years old, like to laugh, like to have lot of friends around her, like to travel, like to be with her family often, and definitely would like to have a good life to live..

For her, it happen too fast, one month she's jogging 2.5 km and then the other month she fall ill and soon after she find out her heart need a surgery..

All these are too much for her, not to mention all the tests she's been through, the fear she had to take on, the pressure she had to bear.. so on and so on..

Do you know how much guts and braveness you got to have to face all these?? I thought i know.. Until now.. I thought i can face all these well or better if I face the same matter.. Until now..

Today.. 7th Dec 2006, she will have her operation early in the morning, and I'm glad that her mother allow me to accompany her in the hospital today.. Yet I'm very worry and nervous..

Before she sleep I held her hand and pray.. Pray to God to heal her.. Pray to God that nothing will go wrong in the operation room.. Pray to God she can face her recovering stage strongly..
And I feel that I'm so useless.. There is nothing more that i can do to help her.. Only pray.. harder and harder and harder and harder.. I am so confuse.. What is the purpose to have this illness on her?

I try to imagine that I'm in her situation.. and i got scare.. i scare i can feel the knife cutting my chest.. my heart.. i am scare.. i scare of something will go wrong during the operation.. i scare i will lost my memory.. and i scare that i might not recover even after the operation..

I don't know what's keeping her strong and cheerful always?? I don't know how she can face all these mess?? I admire her.. I look up on her.. And i realize that she deserve the care and love from everyone around her.. And she deserve more than what she had now..

And I'm now sitting beside her bed, fail to fall asleep, looking at her sleeping face time to time while writing this blog.. The more i look the more i don't understand why.. Why this shit has to be on her?? Is there any reason?? What if things goes wrong during the operation?? What will she think by then?? Is there God?? Is there Heaven?? What about all the things that she have plan?? What about places that she would like to go?? What about the words that she would like to say??

I can do nothing.. so helpless.. what can writing this to help her?? Feel so weak and so tired.. i really don't know what to do.. I'm so sorry.. i really hope to see her healthy and happy.. .. ..