To Live A Life

Something happen lately, and it get me into thinking again..
It happened so fast anyway even I've been prepare for it long ago..

And this event truly disturb me.. emotionally..

A dear person close to me will have her heart valve transplant surgery in few hours time..
Her name is Tee May Lian, female, 23 years old, like to laugh, like to have lot of friends around her, like to travel, like to be with her family often, and definitely would like to have a good life to live..

For her, it happen too fast, one month she's jogging 2.5 km and then the other month she fall ill and soon after she find out her heart need a surgery..

All these are too much for her, not to mention all the tests she's been through, the fear she had to take on, the pressure she had to bear.. so on and so on..

Do you know how much guts and braveness you got to have to face all these?? I thought i know.. Until now.. I thought i can face all these well or better if I face the same matter.. Until now..

Today.. 7th Dec 2006, she will have her operation early in the morning, and I'm glad that her mother allow me to accompany her in the hospital today.. Yet I'm very worry and nervous..

Before she sleep I held her hand and pray.. Pray to God to heal her.. Pray to God that nothing will go wrong in the operation room.. Pray to God she can face her recovering stage strongly..
And I feel that I'm so useless.. There is nothing more that i can do to help her.. Only pray.. harder and harder and harder and harder.. I am so confuse.. What is the purpose to have this illness on her?

I try to imagine that I'm in her situation.. and i got scare.. i scare i can feel the knife cutting my chest.. my heart.. i am scare.. i scare of something will go wrong during the operation.. i scare i will lost my memory.. and i scare that i might not recover even after the operation..

I don't know what's keeping her strong and cheerful always?? I don't know how she can face all these mess?? I admire her.. I look up on her.. And i realize that she deserve the care and love from everyone around her.. And she deserve more than what she had now..

And I'm now sitting beside her bed, fail to fall asleep, looking at her sleeping face time to time while writing this blog.. The more i look the more i don't understand why.. Why this shit has to be on her?? Is there any reason?? What if things goes wrong during the operation?? What will she think by then?? Is there God?? Is there Heaven?? What about all the things that she have plan?? What about places that she would like to go?? What about the words that she would like to say??

I can do nothing.. so helpless.. what can writing this to help her?? Feel so weak and so tired.. i really don't know what to do.. I'm so sorry.. i really hope to see her healthy and happy.. .. ..